What’s your question? Where’s your pain, your struggles with faith, life, and God?

A few weeks ago I asked the same question to my email group. Faith, life, God, religion. What issues make you cringe, wince, worry, even doubt? And they had many.

Church division, seven literal days, God’s silence, science and religion, hypocrites, anger, depression, do donkeys really talk (my daughter), and on.

But as I poured over them, categorized them and placed them in order of importance fully ready to start digging in, I realized something.

They don’t matter anymore. I don’t care about them like I used to. And I can’t fake it.

Because he admitted it.

Front and center in front of everyone, a pastor, a big time pastor, says what many of us are scared to ever admit.

I remember the day I watched the video (below) with my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide as I sat with my own questions.  Is life worth it? Should I leave the faith? The church? Should I walk away from my family? My job? Am I even a Believer?

Is God even real???

It seemed like I was in a black tunnel staring straight ahead with no pinpricks of light shining through.

Until he said it.

The uncertainty had been eating me alive for years.  Years.  How do you lead a family with no idea what you really believe or where you should be headed? Goals, dreams and desires, they’re so very different outside of the spiritual.

But finally!  Finally! Someone says it. Someone with clout, status, and authority.  And though I don’t agree with everything he says or believes now, he did get me to see the truth. It’s the only admission that quiets every intelligent question and opens the door for the honest, and yes very (seemingly), illogical answer.

I played the video over and over again.  Listened to the words.  Listened to the heart behind the explanation. It changed my life, in an instant. Why couldn’t I find this sooner?  Why had no one said this before, ever? From the pulpit? From the pages? In the friendships and study?

These five minutes changed my life.

True, maybe I’d missed it.  Maybe I wasn’t listening.  Maybe I’d been pushing Him away.  Maybe God finally just decided to smack me across the face.

If you don’t have time to watch it now, stop, come back later and watch it first, or never come back. Because nothing else I write will make sense.

It is a heartfelt admission to a sincere question. One that haunted me for so very long. One that haunts many.

In the end, head knowledge, education, intelligent explanations and answers, to questions, they don’t comfort, and they won’t rule the day.

They may help. They did help me create a base for belief, at least. But they won’t bring lasting peace.

So what’s the answer, to all the questions?

What brings peace?

What quiets the doubts, stills the anxiousness, and gives direction?

That’s when one email question in particular from my friend Pam struck me.  Because she answered everything, by asking a question.  And it reminded me of the entire reason I’m free of the issues, and my own questions today. I’ve no doubt God spoke to me through her.  

Pam’s struggle.

“Talking to God feels like talking to the wall.  The only moments where I’ve felt God’s presence have been during times when I’m in despair and really trying hard to connect with Him out of desperation.”

There it is.

Did you catch it? She answered everyone’s questions and doubts with her own inquiry, and one honest revelation. 

It’s about leadership, and DESPERATION.

CONNECTION to that leadership, and a DESPERATION for it. I mentioned strong leadership and how it affected me in the closing of my book.  Having been a police officer for so long I’ve experienced both good and bad leadership in life and death situations.  There were men who, no matter how smart they thought they were, I instinctively knew to take any path that led as far away from them and whatever it was they thought they were so masterfully leading.   

And we’ve all had a boss like that.  

Then, there were men who I’d follow anywhere, without a second question, doubt, or hesitation. 

Because I worked with them everyday.  Because I BELIEVED in them, I was CONNECTED to them, their abilities, their priorities, who they were as a person and as a leader. All of the other questions faded.  I was ready to trust.   

I had peace.  Calm in following them into wherever it was we were headed.  They had the birds eye view, info, training, experience, and the best interests of everyone involved.  I relied on them to guide and direct.  

I was just a vessel.  They were calling the shots.  They knew the goal. I was “desperate” for their direction.

Pam said it. “The only moments where I’ve felt God’s presence have been during times when I’m in despair and really trying hard to connect with Him out of desperation.”

We should be desperate.  Always.

We were created to “desperately” need, rely on, and seek God.  We were made to run off of Him.  Off of His leadership and guidance.  At the core of who we are, His Spirit is supposed to be our fuel, direction, and guidance. 

Always.  

When I put work, fun, life, or even family first, when I put the wrong things in the wrong order of importance, the connection dims.  He won’t force it.  

As we learned from Andrea last week, He screams in our pain.

God knows His worth and He knows us.  He knows when we’re ready to listen.

Honestly, I am desperate.  Every new day I am desperately seeking, calling on, and  searching out the voice, the leadership, and His guidance.  On the surface I may look like a duck gliding across the water. 

But underneath I’m paddling, I’m seeking constantly, throughout the day.  Because I’m DESPERATE to CONNECT, to keep the CONNECTION, with the One who made me to CONNECT. 

It’s that CONNECTION that makes every question fade. It is the answer.    

Do you really BELIEVE in God?  

How dare I.  I know.  Scandalous.  You should probably stop reading now.  Why would I ask that?  What am I insinuating? 

I only ask because I know myself.  And looking back, the things I said never matched my heart.  I knew the church.  I studied books.  I went through practices, verses, and understood structures.  I memorized apologetics and arguments while I got baptized and played in probabilities hedging my bets.  

I BELIEVED (mostly) in God. 

I was fairly convinced there was a God.  Fairly certain the story and history of Christ was more likely than not.  

I knew all the details. But God and I, we’d never really met.  We weren’t Father and son.  I’d lied to everyone even if I didn’t know it at the time.  

Until the day I broke down and finally said I give up.  On my knees, the black of the tunnel engrossing my life, I had nowhere to turn. My education, my head knowledge, churchy answers, all the arguments, they provided no comfort.

It was then that Heaven struck earth in a mighty way as The God of the universe introduced Himself to me, personally.  He rocked my world.  He provided the only answer.  He made the questions irrelevant.

He SCREAMED in my pain.

Now I don’t just assume there probably is a God.

I’m CONNECTED to God.

Brash, ego, pride, you be the judge, but I hope not.  And while I can’t explain it, I can confidently stand up and say, He’s here.  In me, through me, providing peace, freedom, and purpose. 

Don’t the questions matter?  

Do the questions really matter if I already have the answer?  Give it just a minute before you automatically hit me with a knee jerk, “Yes!  Yes they do!!”  Take a deep breath.  Don’t worry.  No one’s around to see you just openly think about it. Just for a minute.  

Ask the Creator, what really matters?   What explanations do I really need?  What should I really try to understand?  What stances, ideas, and understanding should I hold tightly to?  

What if, like so many in the world, I wasn’t educated? I didn’t know or understand history or scripture? Would He still reveal Himself? Love, guide, and lead me?

Ask Him to reveal to you, honestly, truly, does holding to this belief, this standard, this interpretation, this chain, anchor, perspective, this question, does it matter? 

And sometimes, many times, let me be clear, yes, yes they certainly do.  But recently, for me as I take the time to really sink into the questions of life and faith,  I have to answer, no.  No, in the grand scheme of things, of life, of the eternal. Having a definite answer here or taking a strong stance there, it really doesn’t matter.  It just isn’t important.  

God isn’t in that. That’s just fear, pride, and an overwhelming desire from a human heart to have certainty, comfort, and direction from my own knowledge and understanding.

How can I say that? Because I’m CONNECTED to God.  Because I know Him.  I can rest in the mystery.

Are you?  

Or are you still relying on “belief” and probabilities?  Is head knowledge your god?  Have you really cried out in desperation to know Him, for Him to fill you and lead your life?  

Are you desperate everyday like He created you to be, to run off of His power, direction, and Spirit?  Are you CONNECTED?

Or can you just tell me one hundred reasons why the story is probably true, how the church should look, what the gospel is, where you stand on a literal seven day creation, what your denomination believes, and what I need to do to be “saved?” (Yes it’s in quotes for a reason. Maybe we’ll hit on that. One day)

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

Are you CONNECTED?

I’m no longer a Christian fraud.  I’m a Christian CONNECTED to God.  

It’s the only answer that kills the questions.  And I’ll never argue with you over most of them. Though I’m always up for a whiskey and a faith fueled passionate discussion. Just let me know where and when.

A special thanks to Piper for his heartfelt response, and to Pam for her heartfelt admission.  It was the easiest question of the bunch, because I know I didn’t answer it, but she sure did.  And she took on all the other questions at the same time.

Cry out to Him out of desperation every new day and in everything.  It’s then He will CONNECT.  He will lead.  You can know.  For sure.  And you don’t need any special education, arguments, or knowledge to sit in the certainty, love, and direction of the One who made you to sit in the certainty, love, and direction.  To rest. To find peace.

In Him, not just in arguments or answers to questions.

Lose yourself, CONNECT.

Not sure how to CONNECT? Need a structure for that? Many of us type A people do. I think I’ve found one, at least the one that worked for me.

It’s a process.  And we can do it together.  Details coming soon. Get on my email list here under subscribe. Grab a copy of my book here, (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited) and then let’s roll. It’s going to be a great New Year.

Cheers

C

Written by: Chad Campese

Chad Campese is a father, husband, police officer, blogger, and author of the book Confession of a Christian Fraud.  He holds a BA in Christian Counseling and psychology, is heavily involved in peer support and recovery when it comes to first responders, and is an expert in living his life and faith as a fraud. These days he simply relies on the leading of the Spirit as he tries to slowly and purposefully take life one day at a time.