I can’t get it right. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many empty promises I’ll change. I fall right back into the patterns that once were and seem always will be. Patterns from childhood, life, and training from twenty years as a cop. Pride, ego, ghosts of the past keep coming back, no matter how hard I try. They affect EVERYTHING.

There has to be a solution. There has to be a fix. For our struggles in faith and life.

There is.

Introducing, the beginning of the end.

Because I can’t get it right.

In life, in marriage, in parenting. And let’s be clear. Knowing WHY you do certain things and uncovering the origins of all your issues, actions, and reactions is very different than LETTING GO of them, moving forward, and releasing them from your life.

Salvation. Fresh, new, a clean slate. Redemption. Not only for me, but for those I have influence over. Those I’m responsible for. Where is it?

“God, I can’t get it right. Fix me! Talk to me! Where are you? Get me back on track! Why is this still happening?”

One shot

One opportunity, one moment.  If I had it, if He offered it, would I capture it, or just let it slip?  (For some the beat just started playing in your mind.)  

The trunk in my Trans Am vibrates while I sit in my white chef’s coat, my head jerking back and forth.  Probably some hand motions in there as well as I turn up the volume.  

An anthem that defined an era.  Every generation has one.  What was yours?  

Beautiful ballad makers.  Slow and steady.  Feelings, emotions, connection.  His message was steeped in the deep, the honest, the meaningful.  Written by one of the great philosophers of my time.  Of my generation.  Mr. Marshall Mathers III. 

Lose Yourself.  Had I thought about it then, Mr. Mathers could have saved my life.  

I’d sing that song at the top of my lungs.

Sitting in traffic, car rattling from the base, my head bobs. I look over at the minivan next to me and just wait for them to notice how edgy, tough, and cool I am (in my white chef’s coat).  It’s a soccer mom.  She looks scared.   I just smile.  

Twenty years gone by.  I’d long forgotten that song, and those words.  Until now.  

No cows today.  

Today it’s buzzards.  Soaring under the clouds on wind gusts as they climb.  The path under the trees is littered with leaves full of autumn color while I walk.  I ask God, what’s next?  Where does this go?  What do You need to say?  

I don’t feel like writing anything. I can’t get it right. Is there even a point to this? I’m not sure I want to keep going.

If this was my last post, my last words, If I wanted my friends or my kids to read something in ten years and cut it off now, what would it be?  

He was clear. God, was clear. He spoke like He so often does these days. “Chad, you’d Introduce everyone to the great philosopher, Mr. Mathers III. The end is coming.”

Huh? I stopped walking.

He doubled down.  “Seriously dude, you’ve got one chance.  Don’t blow it.  Write about finding salvation in Eminem. This thing is about done.” 

What?   

Eminem and a life in pursuit of God, faith, the slow and steady, the deep, don’t seem to go together.  Or so I thought. Yet, here he is.  I haven’t listened to that song in ages.  

I honestly thought my old friend Marshall died of an overdose or gun shot years ago.  Turns out he is very much alive, and very much the same.  Older.  Angrier.  Dude had a tough life, no doubt.  I can’t relate. 

I YouTube it as I walk.  Earbuds in.  My first year in college comes rushing back and I’m singing out loud on the path beneath the buzzards. I hadn’t forgotten the song a bit. I immediately put it back on my workout playlist, right along with Till I Collapse. (No, if you’re not familiar, you shouldn’t go listen to those. And stop judging me, it only makes me stronger :))

Mid song I’m ready to step up to anything.  Put Goliath in front of me and I may not win, but I would die trying.  The right words, the right beat, the right motivation.  They’ll take you anywhere.  I was losing myself in the music all over again.  

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…

Thanks for the flashback Lord. But what’s the point? I switch back to the Chinese meditation music I started with.  My mind relaxes.

Why Eminem? 

Because the message that I vibed with those few years, the message that defined a generation and a mindset, is the SOLUTION to my issues. And it is the one true and only call of the living God both in my life, and so many others that have told their stories here, here, here, and even here.  

Salvation. CONNECTION. Redemption. The ability to move forward. To move on. Where is it? How do we get it?

Who am I?  What do I really want? What am I really chasing after?  Why?  If I screw up, if I fail, if I don’t take advantage of the opportunities set before me, is it really my only chance?  Can I never go back?  Will I always be like this?  

Yes, and no.  

My first job offer as a cop came after six failed interviews and one failed career as a chef.   

Failure after failure, there was always another chance, another career, another job, and another opportunity. 

What about life? Kids?  Marriage? If I screw them up, is that it?  Do I just get one shot?  Because I will screw them up.  I did screw them up.  A few times.  Still counting…

This is where God steps in and vibes in an eternal CONNECTION to my good friend Marshall Mathers III.  

I remember the day I told Him I was done.   I had led life down a one-way path with no idea how to get home.  My family needed a better father.  My wife needed a better husband.  I made a giant mistake going into law enforcement.  My family didn’t need whatever it was I’d become.  

I couldn’t connect with God. He wasn’t really there. Religion, faith, it was all smoke and mirrors.

Closing in on forty,  I blew it.  My shot.  My chance.  My relationships, well being, future, even my faith.  Done.  I can’t get it right.     

Eminem was on point.   

I was too far gone.  I had to lose myself.  In the moment, during the call.  And it was only in losing myself that utter and abounding joy followed in giving up and giving it all over.  Peace.  Direction.  Fulfillment.  

Salvation. CONNECTION. Confirmation that the Creator of all was very much alive and well.

Mr. Mathers was wrong about another thing, though.

The truth is, I didn’t only get one shot.  You don’t only get one shot.  

I screwed up over and over and over again.  Thinking back now, I heard Him, in my head.  “This might not be a good thing.  This isn’t the way.  Hey, Chad, you might want to make a different turn here.  Dude, can you just stop and stand still for a minute?  You can’t even see where that leads!  It’s pitch black out there. Stop!”

But I had to be in control.  

The truth.

Opportunities come to be redeemed, to give up, to take my hands off the wheel all the time.  Each day as the sun rises, every hour it ticks farther across the sky,  I have the opportunity to just stop, stand still, and say no. I can look at the path, a forest full of trails, and sit.  Take a rest.  Take a breath.  No, I’m not going this way anymore, as I hear Him calling behind me.  

“Stop!”

Because God doesn’t give us just one shot.  He chases us on the path.  Wherever we are, wherever we sit, wherever we just stop and admit we’re lost, He’ll meet us.  All I need is to lose myself in that moment, in that call, as He offers to take over.  

He offers salvation. Again and again. Even if I can’t get it right. Redemption. CONNECTION. Life.

He’s been pursuing, hanging out behind me just far enough to leave me alone, if that’s really what I want.  But He stays close enough to step in when I finally connect His call with the realization that leading myself further into the dark isn’t good.   

How bad does it have to get before we give in, give up?  For me, and for many others, it has to get bad.  Real bad.  We come to a cliff so high while the path just ends.  We can either turn back ourselves and get lost in the trails, again, as we try to find our own way.  Or, we can finally hear Him.  The call, He sounds so confident.  

“Jump.  Now! Here’s a life jacket”

Into the water below.  Let it take you, float with it.  You will live.  But first, you need to push through the fear, lose yourself, and just jump.

Are your kids gone?  Is your marriage toast?  Did you blow opportunities for life, for depth, relationships, fulfillment? Own it. Speak it. Yes, you did that. Quit blaming anyone else, everyone else. Put aside your pride for just a minute. Stop. Say it.

“I did it.”

How do I know? Because, I did it.

And I know some, many in fact.  Their chances are gone.  They’ve lost them.  They’ve killed relationships with everyone.  Beyond repair.  It was almost me.  They think they can’t go back.  

And maybe they can’t, with those people.  (Though they probably still can)

But they can move forward.  But only successfully after we’ve lost ourselves in the leadership of the One who created us to be.  That’s the flowing river we can jump into and float down through rapids, turns and twists.  That’s salvation. CONNECTION. Redemption. He will always guide.  

There is always another chance.  Even when I can’t get it right.

I still continue to screw up each day, each week, even knowing why I’m doing it but not able to stop. Except now He convicts, points it out, and makes me aware. Almost instantly, almost.

No matter the mistake, no matter the failure.  He calls me every new day.  “Come back.”  Even if I try not to hear him.  Even if I run further into the dark.

“Come back! Don’t go that way. Let Me lead. I can get you out of this. I can show you who you were meant to be.  What I made you for.  The fulfillment of a life lived with purpose and direction. Lose yourself, in Me.  In a peace and a purpose that doesn’t end and can’t fail.”  He continues to call, to pursue, to cry out.  

“Come back!” 

And all I have to do is seize the moment. Lose myself over again today, this instant, and gain Him.  Capture everything I ever wanted from the one who created me to want it.  

I can picture it, the disciples, even Christ leading way out in front. Walking down the dirt road toward the next town, putting their hoodies up, earbuds in, wrapping their hands, tightening their sandals, eyes focused on what’s before them. Swag in their step, ready to take on the world.

Ready to heal, speak truth, show love, lead, and fueled by the One who made it all.

Till they collapse. One shot.

If this is my last post to my kids, my friends, anyone who would take a minute to listen.  I’d say, yes, Eminem was right about one thing.  It’s time to seize the moment.  To capture it all.  To get everything you ever wanted.  It’s time to lose yourself.  To CONNECT with the one who made you with a desire to CONNECT. To get LIFE. To find DIRECTION and PURPOSE.

In Him.  

It’s everything you’ve ever wanted.  Even if you don’t know, or trust that,  yet.  

Lose yourself. In CONNECTION with Him

Every new day.

Til’ you collapse.

How do you do that?

It is coming. The end. The announcement. A program. A process. To LIFE. To CONNECTION. For the few. For those possibly, just possibly, feeling a slight tug from God. It’s time. For what?

Get on my email list to find out. Subscribe here, or shoot me an email at Chad.campese@gmail.com. Let me know where you’re at. How’s life? Could you use CONNECTION? New life, direction, purpose?

See ya next week.

Cheers

C

Written by: Chad Campese

Chad Campese is a father, husband, police officer, blogger, and author of the book Confession of a Christian Fraud.  He holds a BA in Christian Counseling and psychology, is heavily involved in peer support and recovery when it comes to first responders, and is an expert in living his life and faith as a fraud. These days he simply relies on the leading of the Spirit as he tries to slowly and purposefully take life one day at a time.