You, you become angels.  Many of you***

We, well, we become assholes.  Many of us…

I wish I could describe it differently.  My “angel” wife who is an inherent people pleaser tried to change my mind.  “Couldn’t you write that differently?  How about gems and jerks?  What will some people think?”   

Two things.  One, cops and soldiers are not people pleasers. They may be the farthest things from such.  We’re blunt, honest, and straightforward.  Sometimes, many times, and maybe this time to a fault.  

Two. To sugar coat the point would take away from doing it justice. If you’ve read my book or know me at all, I tend to think we, as a people and as a church, tend to over-sanitize life in fake and unhelpful ways that do more harm than good.

So, I’ll double down.  Cops and soldiers, we can become assholes. Many of us.

And the wives that deal with us transform, gradually, into angels.  Many of them*** 

Our spouses learn to deal with and balance men who hold an incessant need to be in charge, right, and guide everything, while living and moving always with a sense of urgency and purpose.  Families, wives, are forced to live, deal with, and become something they never intended.  

The change takes place quickly for some. For others, a bit longer.  

And while we signed up for something we thought was helpful, respected, and service oriented, there’s someone else who signed up, many unknowingly, to deal with all that, while sitting alone, a single parent, bitter, worried, resentful, and shut out.   

And they never saw it coming.  

Let’s be honest. Our wives, long term partners, the angels, many of them***, had no idea what they were getting into.

It sounded great.  They felt proud.   The future seemed so promising.  

Until, it wasn’t.

“I’m married to a cop.  My husband is a soldier.”

She loved the sound it made as it slipped from  A’s lips.  Not just the wife of a soldier, but now he was becoming a police officer as well.  She was a part of two different families.  Strong men, leaders, helpers, and she was going to be the strong woman behind it all.   

No idea what she was stepping into.  Honestly, though, neither did he.  

Both from broken homes, they had their own demons.  They came together in marriage, two jacked up people (as we all are), with genuine hopes for the future.

“A year or so into our marriage, my husband was set to deploy to Iraq. The months leading up to the deployment that we coined, “the impending doom” were a nightmare. We were fighting constantly because we were stressed, tired, and he was being worked to death.”

“Our fights started to become physical at times, and I began to shut off emotionally. It was hands down the ugliest chapter of our relationship. I was resentful over what our marriage was becoming and desperately trying to bring God in.”

They both had backgrounds in church.  In God, knowledge, belief, and practice, maybe, but they didn’t make it or Him a priority.  It was just a last ditch effort to fix a relationship that she could only describe as “really damn hard” before her husband got deployed halfway around the world.   

Lonely.

Sitting alone in their home, staring at the T.V. or out the window, wondering what he was doing, where he was, how life was going.  Two struggling people trying to make a marriage work with almost no communication as he fulfilled his commitment to the country, but not to her.  She wasn’t sure where to turn.  

Moving back in with her parents she pondered what to do with her life, her time, and even the desires for intimacy and connectedness that she missed after he left.  

Someone else began reaching out. She reached back.  Decisions were about to be made.  

“Fortunately, the Lord is faithful to those who love Him even when they don’t show it, and He delivered me from that temptation.”

A near miss accident.  It jerks us awake as we immediately latch onto the steering wheel with two hands, fling open our eyes, and sit jackknife straight.  A was called to step-up.  Because her husband was coming back.  It was time to restart.  She had some important things to share.  So did he.   

He wanted to be a cop.

“He was full of hope for a career of helping people, while I was skeptical and focusing on the hard aspects of the job and what that would bring to our lives.”

The academy.  Police officers being taught, ingrained, learning to focus on so much that’s necessary for the job.  But, as I’ve said before, those mindsets tend to ruin the rest of our lives outside of work.  

They create assholes, many of them, and in turn as they grow and change, turn our wives into angels, many of them.***  

It can happen to Firemen too.

Academy training is one thing.  Then there are natural things, like female cadets.  Close quarters, partnerships, hours, days, months at a time.  Natural urges.  Together with them more than our wives or families.  And A already knew the other side of that, deeply.  She had shared her own transgressions when he came back from the war.  

Firm boundaries.

“We quickly re-established our boundaries and drew lines in the sand that were not to be crossed.”

But as the job started, reality set in.  She was alone, again.  And now with young children.  Four of them to be exact, self-reliance became the name of the game due to his schedule and long hours.  

Thankfully, already being the wife of a soldier, she was used to it.  She can’t imagine the impact for the new wives that aren’t used to the culture shock.  A thinks the reaction could have been much, much worse.  

Keeping kids quiet during the day while he was sleeping. Attending events, birthdays, and holidays alone.  It was just how it had to be.  The loneliness was back, churning through her veins, biting deeper than ever.  

Are you really married?  Does your husband exist?  Does he hate the family or maybe he’s a horrible father and your marriage is really falling apart?  She got the looks, the questions.  Never said, for the most part.  But the eyes, the stares boring into her soul, they say more than our words ever can.  

Bitter.

She became so bitter.  It was like the deployment all over again except now she had kids, and there was no end in sight.  This would be her life for years to come.  And though she hadn’t expected or signed up for it, it came with the territory. 

“It hurt to see the disappointment my kids endured before they adjusted to THIS being their new normal.”

It hurt even more because she recognized it was also HER new normal.  THEIR new life…

And It only got worse.  

The profession was changing.  A knew she couldn’t control any of it. Her husband just wanted to help people.  To have a fulfilling career in service.  She clung to the fact that he was respected, doing good things, and people were thankful and supportive.      

“A year in, Ferguson happened, which was a swift, reality kick in the gut for what he had signed up for. Shortly thereafter a complete culture shift in policing. Watching officers targeted night after night made me sick to my stomach. I began a really unhealthy habit of watching the funerals being live-streamed.”

Some women marry men who become chefs, or salesmen, mechanics, managers, teachers, coaches, principals, doctors and on.  

Angels, many of them***, marry cops and soldiers.  

Certainly, every job has its own stressors, issues, and drawbacks.  But most wives know with much certainty that, no matter the chaos of the day, their husband is still coming home.

A was never sure.    

Many wives have experienced it. There’s a different officer walking through their door and he’s got a terrifying message he chokes back tears to share.  It’s happened three times so far in my own career.  

“At night I  would lay in bed wondering how the widows were coping, and began to have tortuous ideations about what my future would be like if that happened and how I would survive it. I was becoming absolutely consumed and destroyed by fear.”

We’re never really in control.  But at our core, we already know that.  

And yet we try.  

Over and over again.  Inherently, every wife knows this.  Deep in their hearts and heavy on their minds.  They can’t just force the thoughts away or tell themselves to shift their perspective.  A couldn’t change her focus.  

Are there coping strategies?  Yes.  Are there practices, support groups and releases to help, of course.  But in the end, that’s all they do, help.  

There is only one way A would say to truly and utterly (or as much as HUMANLY possible) let go of the fear and anxiety.  

“At some point, I couldn’t take the stress of worrying about it anymore and realized I needed to bring that fear to God and leave it at His feet. That none of us know the time or season we will meet our Maker and I had to let it go and let God. If he was meant to die in this profession, there was nothing I could do to change it and stressing about “what ifs” was useless. I had to trust God.”

Can it still get worse?  Yes.  

The attitude toward the profession, the feelings of anger and venom leveled at her husband and so many others was a new experience and seemed to intensify through the years.  She had to deal with “betrayal and hurt” from those they knew. 

Officers, soldiers, their lives are just truly and uniquely different.  They move differently. They’re trained differently. Their mindset and their lives are just unique to other jobs.  And it spills over into every aspect of their life.  

Their wives will eventually move differently as well.  Different perspectives, opinions, and motivations.  They’re forced to change as the years go on.  Many, in ways they never desired and that aren’t healthy for their mind or their soul. 

And many in ways that go against the views of friends and family they used to agree and be close with.  

But, as they grow, and as God takes over in A’s case, she learned to balance it.  Slowly, surely, she can’t ever deny she had a giant, other worldly hand keeping her and her family stable throughout.  

“During this time, we learned we could stand on our own under God’s leadership, we could support ourselves, and we taught this valuable lesson to our kids. The older they get, the more they understand our unique situation.”

“I think a lot of times we look at police marriages as just kind of holding our heads above the water as the waves crash over them. But with God at the helm, our marriage looked completely different. We became more selfless, more tuned into what the other needed, we put our own needs on the backburner, and we were better for it. We are truly best friends with very little disconnect and amazing communication and connection. And this doesn’t happen by chance.”

Hard Work, Intentionality, and God’s leadership.

Through that, A has become Alyssa.  Maturing through the years, mentoring other wives and families.  Led by the Spirit of God and grace just like the angels.  Present in her circumstances, some she expected.  Some, most definitely, she did not.  But she is working through life now with an expectation that she can’t have any expectations and that God will lead her family as the days go by.  She will control what she can, and let go of what she can’t, all while supporting and caring for the people and the situations the Spirit brings her way.  

Her family has a mantra – Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And these days Alyssa sees the changes they made years ago producing fruit.  In both her and her husband.  He’s become a Godly husband, leader, and father.  She learns to give more grace as they both work their way toward each other with one expectation that doesn’t change.  

Let God lead where He may. Let Him lead them together to fight any battle on the street, or in the world, that comes their way.  

“We have learned to appreciate what this career brings to our lives, despite the hardships and stressors. We have continual character-chiseling moments to learn from and we have instilled many important lessons in our children.”

So,  this one goes out to the wives, the partners, the better halves of many men who, I promise, didn’t and don’t intend to turn out like assholes.  We, the officers in your lives, don’t realize we’re shutting you out or the effect it has. We don’t mean to be short, careless, or emotionally distant in our relationships.  And even if we don’t tell you regularly, or even at all, we’re thankful for your grace, persistence, dedication, love, strong will (most times) and personas.  

Please remember that you, out of everyone else in this world, are probably the only other ones, outside of other officers, that understand even half of what’s going on in our heads and hearts.  Even if we don’t tell you.  

To the wives.  To the angels.  Many of them***.  Thanks and much love, even if it’s awful hard for us to show it.  One day we’ll do better.  God will call us to try harder.  But, until that day comes, 

Cheers.  

C

*** – Why “many of them”?  Well, as it’s been pointed out from a few who read this post prior to me finally hitting publish, Satan was an angel too, and I’ve heard he made some pretty bad decisions back in the day.  This applies to some wives as well…  Some of them*** 🙂 

Next week, a change in direction with the blog. Will you join me? Your feedback would be awesome. You could save me from leaving my job, the church, and ending my belief in talking donkeys. Get on the list for future posts and the announcement HERE.

Written by: Chad Campese

Connect with the story?  Shoot Alyssa a comment.    Let her know you appreciate her sharing.  Read the book? Get a hold me HERE or at Chad.campese@gmail.com. I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Really, I would. Like seriously, hit me up….

Chad Campese is a father, husband, police officer, blogger, and author of the book Confession of a Christian Fraud.  He holds a BA in Christian Counseling and psychology, is heavily involved in peer support and recovery when it comes to first responders, and is an expert in living his life and faith as a fraud. These days he simply relies on the leading of the Spirit as he tries to slowly and purposefully take life one day at a time.