“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Where is God when you say words like, “I can’t do this anymore.” 

From her heart to his ears.  And, His ears.

“This lifestyle is not at all what I envisioned.”

Thoughts on a final night while she’s behind the wheel of her husband’s car because he had more than one too many.  He still tried to drive though.  Thank God she was there, literally.  

She ripped his keys from his hand as she ushered him to the passenger seat in a fit of anger.  As they drove home, that anger turned to rage.  He wasn’t thinking about her or the kids, only himself.  Selfish, so very selfish.  

She understood, a bit.  He needed to wash the sorrows away.  On another night of another cycle it was just another sleepless moment of wishing she were somewhere else while they had an awkward alcohol fueled talk of separation.

Selfish, he was so selfish.  Little did she know she’d be holding that same mirror up to herself.  

Where is God?

She had loved Him since fifth grade.    

But this was done.  They were done.    They couldn’t keep going through the cycle.  

Andrea was desperate.  Thankfully.  And finally.  

Because the one thing we’ve learned over all these interviews, is that desperation, needing, giving up, pain, they open God sized doors that let Him lead.

And He will step in, in a big way.  In a way that answers all the questions and provides direction and purpose. 

“He punched me in the gut in a way I’d never felt before.”  A force, an apparent presence, He was there.  The God of the universe.  Her maker.  No more doubt, no more questions.  

Just certainty.  He showed her the answer. He was there.

Still painful, yes.  But pain in certainty.  And that’s made all the difference.  

Her life  

Pain.  

Andrea doesn’t remember waking up even one day of her life without pain.  Like searing, in your joints, sandpaper between your bones as you try to move.  Diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at eighteen months she was the only one of her family to have to deal with the disease.  She was told she would outgrow it and managed it enough to at least play sports in highschool.  

Freshman year, she finally felt it dissipate.  She was outgrowing it.  

Three years.  She had been in remission.  It was getting better each year.  The pain was less and less and her prospects for college basketball and softball were bright. 

Disaster

She broke both her tibia and fibula her senior year in one basketball game.  Turns out breaking a major bone when you’re in remission brings RA right back.  With a vengeance.  

“Why me Lord?  You can’t be serious.  All my dreams, my plans.  What are you thinking?  You just ruined my future.”  

Where is God?

College sports dreams gone, she salvaged what she could.  Playing softball at a high level, but it was never the same as she forced herself to fight through the pain every game. 

Though, there was one positive as she graduated and moved on.  

Until it wasn’t.  

Marriage  

To her best friend from high school.  She had a crush on him since 5th grade.  He knew her issues and ailments.  He knew their kids might have problems due to her disease.  But he stuck with her.  Married her.  She was thankful, grateful, and excited for the future.  

Until the future became the present and she was staring at her worst nightmare wondering how to make it stop.  

She knew it would be tough going in.  He was a fireman.  There would be strain.  Shift work, traumatic calls, rotating days off.  But they would work through it.  They could handle it.  Love conquers all.  So many sappy movie quotes come to mind.

And they did work through it.  

For a bit.  

Kids   

Two. One boy and a younger girl.  Her husband got quiet.  He wouldn’t talk about work.  He was short with her, with the kids as they grew.  He began drinking more.  Didn’t want to go out or hang out with anyone.  Her best friend, her partner, was changing.  And she had no idea why or how to help him.  Or them.  

Fights.  Making up.  More fights.  A never ending cycle.  Waking up to physical pain everyday as their marriage broke down. Anger.  More often than happiness.  The scales were being tipped in a bad way.  

“God, something doesn’t seem right here? Why me?  Why the pain?  Why am I losing my husband?  Why is my family imploding?  How do I fix this?”

Where is God?

Then, her husband throws up the white flag.  Was it an answer to prayer?  Looking back she should have recognized it.  

Her husband gave in.  He recognized the issues.  Counseling, we should go to counseling.  If we want to save this.  If we want to save us.  We need to go.  Now.  He told her, honestly.    

God, speaking through him.  

She pushed it away.  

She was still in charge.  She wasn’t desperate yet though she thought she was.  She wasn’t at the bottom.  She could still do it.  They could still do it.  It was time to dig in.  She had overcome so much over so many years, this wasn’t going to beat her.  

No counseling.  She refused.  We can fix this.  We don’t need anyone’s help.  We don’t need anyone knowing our business or our problems.  We don’t need anyone, but ourselves.  

I CAN do it.  She was the answer. Her will. Her power.

Control, she had to have control.  She learned how to control her pain all her life.  It wouldn’t win.  She won.   And no matter how uncomfortable she was throughout her entire life, she pushed through.  It would not break her. It would not stop her.  

She was in control.  She was a winner.  She didn’t need God, yet.

He couldn’t believe it. 

He offered to go to counseling.  He owned up to the issues and even gave her a way to help.   

She could see the hurt, the doubt in his eyes.  The questioning in his glance.  There was no peace to this conversation.  No confidence in her decision.  

There was no peace in her heart or mind.  

One day, in tears, driving to her doctor’s appointment the morning after having to rip the keys from him and drive him home, she knew.  She knew, she couldn’t fix him, she couldn’t fix them.  She was in pain.  Physical pain, emotional pain, her heart was being ripped from her chest while her head felt like it was going to explode.

Where is God?

Andrea was finally DESPERATE.  

She was ready.   To have Him step in, to have Him take over, because her life was completely jacked up.

He was the answer.

God finally stepped in and blew up her control.  CONNECTION.

“A punch to the gut.  He told me it took both of us to make this mess. Told me to look at myself and my wrong doings. I needed to fix myself too, it was not all my husband’s fault. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have never felt the Holy Spirit speak so clearly to me in my life.”

Her desperation created a CONNECTION.  One like she’s never felt. Heaven met earth in a shocking way.  She knew she couldn’t do it on her own.  She couldn’t be in control.  She can’t fix everything.  She needed God.  She was made to need God.  And when she needed Him most AND realized her need, He broke in. 

That’s where God was. Waiting in the pain.  

But only when she gave up. 

Her expectations, her control, her winning attitude.  

“I started listening to Christian podcasts, started to dive deeper into scripture, and decided to stop being stubborn and go to marriage counseling.”

It, He, God, Christ, The Spirit, whatever God is, exactly, saved their marriage, and their lives.  They are CONNECTED to Him. And now He leads their lives.  

“As an adult, I now know it was because of God’s mercy and Grace that I was able to overcome all of it. He gives me strength every day. Without him, I would not be the overcomer I am. I would love to admit that it has all been me pushing through daily, but there is no way I am able to do it without the help of my Lord and Savior.”

She admits, she knows, she can’t do it herself.  It’s Him leading.  Her life.  Their marriage.  And, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, yes, her husband is the firefighter that did the interview weeks ago.  His life has also been dramatically, and wholly, changed.  Because He was desperate.  

Because he gave up.  

“We NEVER want to go back there.” They don’t want to be in control anymore.

“We have learned so much from that incident. While we still slip up, we know where we do not want to go ever again.  Marriage is hard. Communication is a must and we figured out we were not good at it.  We have to work at it every day and remember that the order is God, spouse, children and everything else.”

Now, both of them use their struggles with life, pain, work, marriage, and health to be an example to others.  

They’re open and honest about everything, behind the scenes, hoping that what they went through can help others not need to deal with or go through the pain they did.  

Would it have happened?  

Without the struggle?  Without the pain? 

Could she, could he, could they have CONNECTED with God, with each other in the way and to the level they do now?  

I’d argue no.  No they couldn’t.  Because I couldn’t, because I know many that can’t. 

Many like us who are bred, trained or just have personalities that take control and take charge. Who are type A to the core and no matter how we got here, or where we are currently, we can’t change that.  

Until we’re knocked down, until we understand first hand that we can’t control it, we can’t always win.  And we can’t honestly CONNECT with God until we’re filled with desperation for Him.  With knowledge that, yes, we NEED Him. We were created to NEED Him.

That’s when we get rid of ourselves.  That’s when God leads.  And if Andrea (or her husband) could send out a message to anyone, it would be to the people that think they can do it all themselves.  We who are always in control, achievement oriented, work geared, holding never give up attitudes with success at all costs mindsets as we kill ourselves and everything around us at times, just to be right.     

Give up.  Relax.  CONNECT with Him.  

He is the answer. Give it all up.  Let Him lead your life.  The sooner the better.  

But we won’t.  

We’ll ask, where is God, while running the other way, or even pushing Him away.

But sometimes, you have to lose the struggle first.  Sometimes you have to get beaten down before you seek the Guru.  The True Solution.  The worthwhile Guide. 

Some of us need to be healed.  Some of us are Andrea and Jason, Shane, Adam, Paula, D, Alyssa, Karin, Jim, Leah, Paul and on.  We’re desperate.  And we need to be CONNECTED to the Healer.  

Isn’t that why everyone followed Christ around in the first place?  He healed and led, fed and offered Himself as the solution.  He said “follow me.” 

But He never said, try harder.  He never said, you lead, I’ll be here to help out. And He never said pay attention to Me, kind of, for an hour once a week and it’ll all be good.

Do you need a Healer?  

Andrea would double down.  Take the punch from the Spirit, let it shock you, knock the air out of you, fall to the mat.  Sit calmly in the loss.  Because really, it’s a win.

Let the Healer reach out His hand and pick you up.  He’ll walk you off holding your hands in the air in victory.  

Because now you are the victor.  You reap the benefits of His win.  Because He is leading the victory lap.  A lap that she’d still be sure to add has many hurdles coming up.  But now, you’re not jumping over them, alone. 

In fact, most likely, He’s lifting you over.  

Again, and again.  

Andrea would love to shout out “their people,” their family at Johnstown Presbyterian Church.  A place of community, healing, relying on CONNECTION to the leadership of the Divine. 

Now, what do you think?

Is failure, struggle, or pain a blessing, or a curse?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Chad.campese@gmail.com

Cheers,

C 

Are you in need of healing or a Healer? Not sure how to find it, or find Him? How do you find CONNECTION? Welcome.  You’re in good company.  I think we can help.

First, get on the email list here under subscribe, then grab a copy of my book here. There’s a process, straightforward and clear, that can help. We can go through it, together.

Written by: Chad Campese

Chad Campese is a father, husband, police officer, blogger, and author of the book Confession of a Christian Fraud.  He holds a BA in Christian Counseling and psychology, is heavily involved in peer support and recovery when it comes to first responders, and is an expert in living his life and faith as a fraud. These days he simply relies on the leading of the Spirit as he tries to slowly and purposefully take life one day at a time.