Kickin Ass, Takin Names, And Being Scared Of Church People – With P.M.

Kickin Ass, Takin Names, And Being Scared Of Church People - With P.M.

Chad Campese

There’s a fraud among you…

Hanging with killers, playing with guns, buying drugs.  He’s head of a biker gang, or at least that’s what his appearance suggested. He had the beard, and the bad ass attitude.  Life by the horns, he was the man, or so he thought.  

Something out of a movie.  But it wasn’t a movie, it was his life.  And things we pretend to be can end up consuming us, defining who we are, and, eventually, tearing us apart.  

P was an undercover detective.  Part of the SWAT team.  He kicked in doors and led men into homes not knowing what was inside. A license and a paycheck to act like a badass.  All of the perks, none of the drawbacks.  Except that his life was spinning out of control.  His anger was consuming him.

But he thought he could handle it.  He could control everything.  He had to. But when you try to control God, and He knows it’s time for things to change, the path can get a bit, rough…

Sometimes He uses a girl, and just eight simple words, to blow up your world.    

But maybe we shouldn’t start there…  

Church for P was obligatory. Weddings, funerals, maybe a holiday or two. His mom and stepdad set the example. Baptized as a child.  It was what you were supposed to do, though he wasn’t quite sure why, and he wasn’t sure his parents knew either.  

But, long days sitting in his tree stand, staring through the forest with his bow in hand.  Watching, observing, listening to nature as it flowed, came alive all around him.  The world held his gaze as it breathed, moved, and shifted before his eyes.  Everything in motion, moving as one, the sun cresting over the hills.  Such beauty, created for life, created by something, someone.  Quiet, yes, and even though he didn’t realize it, it was the first time he heard the call.  “I want you to know me.”  God was holding out His hand. Even if P wouldn’t take it.   

When his daughter was born, she was amazing, and she needed to know why. Why was she here?  There was more, there had to be.  He remembers sitting in church, he and his wife had started going as much as they could, because of his daughter. He leaned over, whispered to his wife, “I want to know more.”  But, life happens. And the call he heard was slowly drowned out by the noise.  By the anger.  

At work, his partner was killed.  P became a “bumbling mess.”  The next year his wife almost died. Life was a blur as he threw himself into the undercover world, embraced it, made it his life and his identity.  He had a license to be someone else.  

You can’t just take it off when the work days end.  Those years, they became just one long workday as they all ran together.  Running, gunning, life at a fever pace.  Did he still hear God’s call, His pursuit?  Maybe, but other voices were louder, even if as he looks back now, they were much less important.  

Still, every Sunday that he could, he’d sit in the pews.  He wasn’t quite sure why. He couldn’t recite a single scripture verse or find a book of the bible even if you gave him a map of how to get there.  He just knew as he sat, he was finally able to have some peace. He could come, relax, let go, and be still.  The songs, the message, there was something about it.  It brought life, calm, almost like a reminder, every Sunday, that God was calling, and He’d be waiting.  

But P felt like a fraud.  Most of the people there were afraid of him.  Biker beard, mouth like a sailor.  Funny thing was, he was afraid of them.  They knew God, knew the answers, knew scripture and had it all together.  They intimidated him, just a cop, looking for peace, wanting to know more, but not sure where to start.  Too scared to tell anyone he needed a guide.  

He remembers one man, Vince, fondly.  He wasn’t scared of P.  Vince talked to him, tried to get to go to a men’s retreat.  P worried he’d be found out. He knew he’d have to be honest about his life, his lack of any real understanding about God. Having sat in church all these years, still having no idea what he was doing there or why.  He pushed Vince away.  

Control, his life was all about control.  If he controlled it, it would work out.  If he didn’t, people could die. It stemmed from his job, his training, and it seeped into everything else.  Including his family.  

The job took its toll.  Angry all the time, mad at the world he saw, confused why God didn’t just burn it down and start over.  Why did God make it at all? People were horrible.  The world was a mess.  He would snap at everything and everyone.  At work, and at home, everything had to go as planned, on schedule, or he would rage.

Finally, his wife blew up his world, with one sentence. 

His daughter had crossed the line one day.  They were already late.  He hated being late.  His family knew it.  Why they couldn’t get it together, why they could never stick to the plan, he wasn’t sure.

He angrily backed the car out of the garage, five minutes later than he planned, and he almost ran over the bike that his daughter had left in the driveway.  He had to move it.  They were going to be another minute late.  He slammed on the brakes, ripped open the door, and leapt out of the car as he reached up and smashed his sunglasses on the driveway adding a few choice words.  Bike moved, he got back in. The girls sat in shock.  

His wife looked him straight in the eye.  She didn’t mince words.  “Dude, you need to get your shit together.”  Then, silence.  It cut him like a knife.  Something had to change.  He wasn’t even sure who he was anymore. 

Her words fresh in his mind, He’ll never forget the next days.  Little things, dumb things, red lights, time schedules, nothing really had gone wrong, but everything had gone differently than he planned.  Angry, he was so angry, at nothing, at everything.  

Racking his head on the drive home, trying to figure out why everything had gone to “shit”.  Music off, hum of the tires in his head as he tried to calm down, P heard Him.  He literally thought someone was hiding in the back seat.  He looked around the car, nothing, no one, and it came again loud and clear. “It’s ok, P..  Let go. I’m in control.”  

At once he knew who it was, what it was, and he immediately called Vince.  P hoped a retreat was coming up.  He wasn’t sure he could last much longer.  Turns out, one was right around the corner.  So he went.  And his life was forever changed.  

He remembers at the retreat, he told one of the leaders at Our Lady Of The Holy Rosary he felt like he shouldn’t be there.  “If you knew who I was, what I’ve done, how little I even know about this, about God.”  The leader just smiled, showed P grace, and said, “we got ya, don’t worry.”  

Salvation had come to his house.  There was a new life in him.  He was hungry.  The things he wanted to know fueled him, from the inside.  He dug in and was driven to a relationship from the One who had called over and over again.  He was saved, truly and literally.  

The anger faded, slowly, as he began to pay it forward, as he taught others, as he offered to listen and lead in the same church that he felt like a fraud in so often.  And he realized something.  There were many, just like him. They came because they came.  They didn’t know exactly why, they didn’t know God, and they didn’t have their life together. Even though they looked the part.  

He incorporated his faith into his job.   He rests knowing that for the final years before retirement, he worked with a new purpose, a new leadership, and a new reason to work.  The lives he’s impacted as a vessel have been many, though he’s sure he’ll never know everyone God had an impact on through him.  

As he learns more everyday to let go, and let God lead, whoever he impacts, whatever happens, it’s all in God’s hands and P knows He is in complete control. 

Yes, there was a fraud among you, and his name is Paul M.  But he is a fraud no longer.  And he gives all the credit to the One who pursued, patiently waited, and has finally and thankfully, taken over.  

For that, he is forever grateful.  

Psalm 40: 1-3  I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

Written by: Chad campese 

Chad Campese is a father, husband, police officer, blogger, and author of the book Confession of a Christian Fraud.  He holds a BA in Christian Counseling and psychology and is an expert in living his life and faith as a fraud. These days he simply relies on the leading of Christ as he tries to slowly and purposefully take life one day at a time.

7 thoughts on “Kickin Ass, Takin Names, And Being Scared Of Church People – With P.M.

  1. What an awesome testimony Paul! Thank you for sharing.

  2. This story needs to be told more. This is how God uses us to reach others. Awesome Paul!

  3. I knew the old Paul M and now the new. It’s cool how God’s hand on a man’s life can be so evident…a change of countenance, a sense of peace, a light in his eyes as he talks about his faith, a new sense of purpose.

  4. Having had the opportunity to work alongside Paul for awhile, I can say that his leadership was appreciated by everyone on his team and that he was never shy to offer encouragement or pray with the guys. Awesome to see God use His creation for greater purposes, even in the darker parts of society where he worked.

  5. Have quite a few cop ones upcoming. Just need to find the time!

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